Welcome to the Docket
I’ll get this out of the way now: I’m not qualified to be a movie critic. I took a class in undergrad called Philosophy and Film and I almost failed it (I was great at watching the movies, for the record. It was the rest of the course that tripped me up). The closest thing I have to experience in the entertainment industry is a summer job at a movie theater. My two qualifications for this position are (1) I love movies and (2) I filled out an interest form. That’s all it took to become the Honorable Chief Movie Critic (trademark pending) at The Docket. Limbo bars don’t even go that low.
Here’s the thing about me not having any expertise. Odds are, neither do you. Unless Martin Scorsese somehow stumbled upon my column, (side note: Marty, if you are here, my email’s at the bottom, I’ve got some ideas about the Sinatra biopic) you probably don’t know much more about movies than I do. Sure, you have some favorites that you’ll watch over and over again. You saw one (or both) of Barbenheimer last year. You’ll watch clips of the Oscars on social media. If you’re a dude, you have some deeply-held beliefs about Christopher Nolan’s filmography. But that’s about it. So if you’re wondering what’s the difference between me and you, it’s that I filled out an interest form and you didn’t. There’s always next year!
Here’s another thing I know about you. You’re busy. Like extremely busy. Like existentially busy. You barely have time for (fill in the blank) as it is. How are you supposed to find time to watch a movie? Plus, movies are expensive! Here’s where my lack of experience also helps you. I signed up for this job. I’ll see the movies and tell you if they’re worth your time. If they’re not worth your time, it’s only my time that’s wasted. Here’s where I’m coming from: I’m going to see the movies anyway. It’s too late for me. This is the life I’ve chosen. If I can save someone else from being disappointed by a new release, that’ll make my disappointment sting a little less.
For better or for worse, you’re stuck with me. Here are some ground rules so you know what you’re getting.
1. No horror movies. You want to know whether a horror movie is worth seeing, go read someone else. 1L is scary enough for me, thank you very much.
2. I won’t waste your time. If I think a movie is good, I won’t make you read the entire review to discover that. If I’ve learned anything from a month of LRWA, it’s that putting your conclusion first is a good idea. Again, I know you’re busy.
3. I can’t see everything. I have a Regal Unlimited pass and access to various streaming services (Thanks, Mom and Dad!). If a movie isn’t available through those channels, I probably won’t be able to see it. Exceptions can be made for Oscar bait, but that’s the general rule.
4. I won’t be elitist in my criticism. If you’re looking for someone to provide metatextual analysis of the themes of a foreign film, I’m not your guy. Sure, I could be the type of guy who says things like “La La Land is derivative, Chazelle is just ripping off Demy’s Les Paraplules de Cherbourg” but I choose not to be. Be the change you want to see in the world, that sort of thing.
My goal is to have a column once a week. I also hope to get stellar grades, join several organizations, and get 8 hours of sleep every night. We’ll see how all of these go. It’ll be once a week. Probably. Next week (or so), I’ll have my review of Francis Ford Coppola’s new masterpiece(?) Megalopolis. See you then.
Until the next headline,
Peter C. Van De Pol